Jesus Was A True Blue Conservative!

The tedious debate about whether Jesus Christ was a liberal or a conservative has persisted far too long. The record needs to be set straight once and for all. It’s obvious to all good God-fearing Christians everywhere that Jesus was most certainly a right-minded conservative thinker and practitioner. It’s nothing short of disgraceful that Godless liberal democrats keep trying to claim them as their own. Sorry, socialist heathens, your arguments are illogical at best, if not outright blasphemous.

First, it is universally well known that Jesus preached that we should turn the other cheek. This is why, when we see people who have lost their jobs due to downsizing, begging for change on the street corner, we do exactly that, just as the good Lord had urged. Not only do we turn the other cheek, we often cross the road so we don’t have to come in contact with such vile people who are too lazy to fairly contribute to society.

It’s tempting to yell at them and try to make them realize they should be ashamed of themselves, and should either pull themselves up by their bootstraps or go to Russia or Cuba or someplace where their kind is welcome. Of course, we often do try to help them with such sound, helpful advice rather than crossing the road but, even though it’s done for the love of our great country, we understand we really should turn the other cheek and just leave them stewing in their own juices, as Jesus Himself would have done. Sooner or later, they will suffer enough to see the light, have faith that the Lord will help them if they help themselves, and will finally stop asking for hand outs.

That is the Christian way. That is the conservative way. Liberals would have you believe that coddling the ingrate, giving him money, and making him dependent on taxpayers is the way of Christ. He would probably just buy bread with it for his family, thereby perpetuating the “free lunch” mentality onto his children, and creating the next generation of derelicts hell-bent on robbing honest taxpayers of their hard earned money. Does that sound Christian?

Similarly, to the liberals among us claim that to be good Christians, you should give to the needy. They are right in that, of course. But, as usual, they have distorted the true meaning for their own misguided ideology. If the great Ronald Reagan taught us anything (and who is closer to God than President Reagan?), it was that the best way to create a healthy society is through trickledown economics, exactly as Jesus Christ explained it to us two thousand years ago.

In order to help the poor, the most sensible thing to do is give very generous tax breaks to the richest among us. The industry leaders, those great humanitarians who work tirelessly to build their empires, need our help. They need us to sacrifice for the greater good. Jesus said not to cherish material things like money, so give it instead to those who can best put it to good use – the rich. What’s the point of working all day in their factories and offices if not to further their wealth? What would be the point?

Be happy to accept less pay and do without extravagant social(ist) programs in order to provide them with what they require. Only then can they allow some of it to trickle down to the masses, thereby ensuring a fair and equitable balance of society’s overall wealth. That is how to help the poor. That is what Jesus would do, and what he wants you to do. Stop falling for the illogical liberal agenda of putting necessities straight into the hands of those who claim to be most in need of it. They would probably just squander it on drugs and alcohol anyway, as you know.

Guns. Every natural born citizen of suitable heritage should have as many as they wish. Again, this is completely contrary to the so-called ideals of left wing fanatical wimps who insist that guns are bad. Yes, children die every day due to gun accidents. Boo hoo. That is God’s will. He wouldn’t have taken them if it wasn’t their time, would He? If there were not an ample supply of guns, He would have to find another way to bring His angels home. As if He has nothing better to do than sit around figuring out other ways to do it. Do not question the ways of the Lord. Accept them and comply. That’s what true faith is. That is devout Christianity. Liberals? They want to keep your guns from you, leaving those poor children on God’s waiting list indefinitely while new methods of bringing them home are found. Compassionate – that’s what they claim to be, when it’s obvious the exact opposite is true. Maybe they should think of the children for a change instead of themselves.

Next time anyone tries to tell you that Jesus was a liberal, set them straight. Set them right. WWJD? He would rid the Earth of  liberal socialists, with guns if He had any. Praise Jesus.