A genuine conversation I had with someone regarding an apartment for rent...
how are you doing? hope all is well with you over there?I'm
currently in United state of America...i came here to visit a friend
of mine to attend a church program he invited me for.
I promise to be the best landlord you could ever imagine,am really
happy to read from you.
Here is the address of my friend you can send the security deposit to...
So get back to me with the western union information given to
you...then about the Keys,should i send it to your through post office
or should i come in person when am around...so that we can be able to
exchange words together...like a tenant to landlord lol...i will be
looking forward to read from you ASAP
God bless you....
Hi Gary! I'm doing great, especially now that I know for sure that you
picked me for the apartment! Thank you SO much! You will never regret
your decision for having chosen me as your new tenant. I'll send you
the security deposit right away, but you forgot to tell me how much it
is, lol. Should I send first and last month rent at the same time? So
that would be $1400 plus whatever the security deposit is that you
require. Please get back to me as soon as you can so I can go into
town where the Western Union office is. Yes, you can just give me the
keys when we get to meet when you return from your church trip. That's
fine since I don't need the apartment until the start of October
One thing I would like to make sure you are okay with first is my pet
pig, Petunia. I know some landlords don't like pigs as pets but I
assure you that Petunia is a very clean girl. And if sometime you came
home unexpectedly and found Petunia and I doing some things that men
and animals don't normally do together, I hope you would keep that
information private and not tell the neighbours, as some people don't
understand that sometimes a man and his pig can become very close and
affectionate with each other. I respect you as a fellow Christian so I
wanted to be very honest about that up front. Thank you for
understanding and I hope you tell me that's okay, and let me know how
much money you would like me to send you right away. I look forward to
hearing back from you as soon as possible! Thanks!
How are you doing? hope all is well with you over there? am happy
to read from you,about your pig is it clean and healthy?if so its okay
with me, so far its clean and healthy.
I will keep the information private.i like you for that..its seems
you don't want to miss your pig lol.
so about the first and the last rent you can send it at the same
time...i will be looking forward to read from you as soon as you
can...then when i get back we will have a lot to discuss...am a kind
of landlord that discuss with his tenant..i love to relate with my
The church program is quite interesting,i will pray for you also.i
will soon be back home as soon as the program is finish....take good
care of your self and make sure you get back to me with the details
given to you from the western union money transfer.
I'm fine, Gary, thank you. And I hope you are too. Thanks so much for
allowing Petunia to stay with me. You said it was okay as long as she
is clean, but I do not believe Christ would be pleased with me if I
didn't tell you that sometimes she is not very clean. I can usually
clean up the messes, though, so that you can hardly tell she had even
pooped there. I am very careful about that. Also, sometimes when I
give her some wine, she spills her glass but I don't give her red wine
anymore, just white and that does not really stain very much. She
squeals a lot when we get romantic, too, especially when she has had
too much wine, but it is a happy squeal. I know how to make my girl happy :-)
Still, I would not want you
to have to hear it when you are home, so I will always make sure she
is wearing her muzzle. Dont worry, though, she likes it, as it is the same colour and
material as her favourite dress.
Anyway, I would have sent the money already, and I'm very sorry for
the delay but I realized you still haven't told me how much you need
for the security deposit. If you can get back to me right away, I can
still get to Western Union today. Otherwise it will have to wait to
Wednesday, as you know, because tomorrow is Canada Goose Day here in
Canada and most businesses are closed. I'm really worried that you
might end up giving the apartment to someone else who pays quicker,
but please know its only because I still don't know how much you want.
is it $500? I think that is a normal amount for a deposit. That would
make it $1900 altogether with the first and last months rents. Or
maybe an even $2000 would be better since it is a nice round number? I
have no problem paying a little extra for the security deposit since I
don't want you to give the apartment to someone else. I assure you, my
Brother in Christ, that I will be the best tenant you can get and you
would never be sorry for choosing me. So please tell me how much you
want for the deposit right away so I can go to Western Union
Thank you, Gary - God Bless You, my new friend
Thanks for your response,its nice to read from you...send $1900 or you can make it a nice round number.i will be looking forward to read from you as soon as possible......so make sure you send me the details.God bless you and take care of Petunia....Have a nice day..
Thanks, Gary. Since it doesn't seem to make much difference to you, I'll just send the $1900 so I can put that other $100 towards moving expenses. I hope that's okay. I didn't get your message in time yesterday before the Western Union office closed and today everything was closed all day, as you know. Did you tell your friends down there about all the fun we have up here for Goose Day? I'm sure you feel bad that you had to miss it this year but I know how important your church group is to you. You can just have twice as much fun next year! lol.
So, tomorrow I'll send the money, if I can find the paper I printed it on to bring to the Western Union. I deleted it because I had it printed and didn't need it on the computer. I just hope Petunia didn't eat it. I don't think so because I already checked her poop and there was no paper in it. Well, there was, but not white paper like I had used for printing your friend's name and information. I'll find it. When are you coming back to Hamilton? I'm looking forward to meeting you and seeing the inside of the house as soon as it's convenient for you. Enjoy the rest of your trip, my Christ Brother.
thanks for your response,nice to read from you.how are you doing? hope the Goose day was fun with you?but the church program is more important too.i will be back soon,i will let know when i book my ticket .Here is my friends details again.
Get back to me as soon as possible so that my friend can go to the western union office and get it cashed today.have a nice day..and God bless you.
Thanks, Gary! And yes, Goose Day celebrations were great fun as always! The ceremonial releasing of the Golden Geese was the highlight of the day again this year. It's always such a fun time watching them being released, then everybody runs around bumping into each other trying not to get pooped on. I was lucky this year but my friend Harold wasn't lol! Not only did he get pooped on - twice - but he ran right into the beak of the Sacred Goose statue itself and nearly poked his eye out.
He's okay, though, the doctor says he will be blind forever in that eye, but the good news is he will still be able to see out of his left eye as long as he doesn't run into another goose statue next year. He was going to go home this morning but he still has a headache, but that works out good for me so he can take care of Petunia for me while I run into town. You can expect your check to be there in about 2 or 3 hours.
God bless you, Gary. And thank you for saying it's okay that I only send you $1900 instead of $2000. That's how I know you are a true follower of our glorious Lord and Saviour, Jesus H. Christ. Let me know as soon as you get the check so I know everything is all official! Talk to you soon, my friend.
Thanks for your quick response,its nice to read from you quickly because i have to go to the program soon..so i will be back in the next one hour for me to read your mail..have a nice day..get back to me with the full details given to you from the western union...don't forget to send the secrete question and answer because it is very important also...God bless you and i will pray for you and your Petunia ...
have u gone and send the money,i just came back from church now.i will be expecting your reply.God bless you..
I have such bad news, Gary. Very very bad news! Not very bad for you but for me its just awful. First, I couldn't do the Western Union thing because you forgot to send me the secret word this time. I know it had something to do with Lord but I couldn't remember exactly what. You gave me all the information the second time except for the secret question and answer. So I guess when you send it I can take all the information in with me next time.
But that is just a small detail. My big concern is that when I came home I found something shocking. Shocking! I bought Petunia some pretty new underwear and I was all excited about giving it to her because I know she loves the feel of lace on her bottom, but when I got home with it, I found her in my bed with Harold! Oh, Gary, I'm just destroyed by this. She was even doing a position that she never lets me do with her, the swine! I was so angry I almost said a word that Jesus would be upset with me for.
And Harold is supposed to be my friend. I let him stay here because I felt bad about him getting blinded yesterday and this is how he repays me?? He tried to tell me it was his blindness that made him think it wasn't Petunia, but she's the only pig in the house so I don't think I believe him. And even if it was true, it wouldn't excuse the fact especially since everyone who reads the Bible knows that God strictly forbids having sex with animals on Wednesdays. Harold knows that and he did it anyway. I'm not sure he's really a proper Christian. not like you and I, Gary.
So I did the only thing I could do because I knew things could never be the same between me and Petunia. I took her out in the back and slaughtered her. I felt very bad and I'm going to miss her terribly but at least I will have some nice ham and bacon for 2 or 3 months. Now I need a new pig, though and as you know, there aren't a lot of them in Hamilton anymore. Do you know of any? It would be wonderful if you do. But of course I would need to spend some time alone with her, if you knew of one, to see if we got to be good friends first.
I didn't know what to do about Harold. There are very strict rules about slaughtering people within town limits and I don't want to lose my friend anyway. Plus, he said he was sorry and he knows I will be lonely without Petunia so he said I can have his wife for a couple of weeks until I find a new pig. It was a very nice gesture on his part but the problem is that he loaned her to me before and I can never even get her to squeal. Not like my beloved Petunia could squeal, may she rest in peace.
Harold's wife says my penis is too small but I'm not offended because she says that about Harold too. You see, she has been spoiled by Benjamin the donkey so now all men are too small for her. I guess I'll probably take her anyway but it's just not the same. I'm very very upset about all this, Gary, and I'm sorry to bother you about it all.
I know it's not your problem but I feel we have connected strongly as two of God's finer specimens. What would you do in my situation, Gary? I have tried to ask myself - what would Jesus do if his pig cheated on him? - but I don't think he would have a sneaky one-eyed friend like Harold to start with so I don't know the answer. That's why I ask you, my friend.
Anyway, sorry I didn't get a chance to write back right away but you can imagine the day I have had and it takes a very long time to clean slaughtered pig blood from your body so I have been quite busy. So if you send me the secret words, I will try to make sure I go to Western Union in the morning. And I promise I won't lose the paper this time! lol Have a good evening with your church my Brother and I will read from you again soon I hope.
Blessings in Christ the Redeemer,
Am really sorry for what happen,when i get back we talk about it better.don't be angry with your friend,the Lord will console your.there is the detail ones again
GOD BLESS YOUR,GET BACK WITH THE DETIAL.
Hello Gary - it is good to read from you again. They said there is no such place as "New town" in Pennsylvania. Maybe it's so new they haven't put it on the list of towns yet? Whatever the case, I'm tired of going back there all the time without proper information. Plus, the police constable who is my sister's husband has now charged me $2500 for allowing Harold to have sex with Petunia on a Wednesday. I told him I didn't allow it and Harold even told him that, too, but I think he's just being mean because he was secretly in love with Petunia, too, and he's mad that I have started eating her.
So that was all my money I had saved for my deposit and first and last months rent. But we have got to be such good friends, and because we both know the blessed Lord wants us to be tenant and landlord (it is his Will! Praise the lord!), that I was wondering if it would be okay if I just move in first, then pay you later? By September I will have lots of money because I'm selling Petunia steaks and they are quite popular. It seems everybody wants a piece of her rump and they are willing to pay quite nicely to get some. It's almost just like before lol.
I didn't tell you that she was a prostitute before in case you disapproved but I know you are my friend now and won't be upset with me for pimping her out. But that was my big mistake. Even though everyone wanted to pay to be with her, like Harold and the constable, everybody always fell in love with her and that is what has caused me so much problems. I know if you had met her and enjoyed her company for an evening, you would fall in love with her too.
I can save you a piece of her rump, though, if you would like. And I also have many many pictures of her in her lacy underwear that I can show you. I will be selling copies of them along with the steaks so money will be no problem for me in a couple of months.
So let me have the address (I forgot to get it off you so far - how very silly of me! lol!) and maybe I can already be moved in by the time you get back from your church trip. As my Brother is Christfulness and new bestest friend ever (Harold is no longer, as he won't help me pay the fine for what he did!) I know we trust each other so much that you can let me move in now and pay later.
Are you there, Gary? I hope you wouldn't give the apartment to someone
else just because i don't have any money. Good tenants are very hard
to find and there are some weird people out there with strange habits.
So it would be very good for you to let me stay there for free until
the good money from the Petunia steaks and pictures starts coming in,
because you know I am a good and decent follower of our Lord just like
I even put Petunia's sexy new underwear on her after I killed her
and took some very nice pictures. I laid her down so the bullet holes
are underneath and her bra covers the knife wounds on her chest, so it
just looks like she is sleeping so the pictures are very
attractive.get back to me as soon as you can fellow Christman.
thanks for the response, how are my sure that you are going to pay me if you move in. You know what, i'm a christian nd i can as well volunteer to give you the aparment to stay before you have the money but atleast go and send about $350 so i can use it to send the documents and keys to the apartment to you or do you expect me to send that with my money. Get back to me soonest.
Brother in christ.
That's great, Gary! Thank you so much for trusting me. Just send the $350 to me right away and I'll be sure to file all the documents properly. Or will you be back from your church trip to New town soon? In that case, you can just meet me at the registry office in Hamilton and we can do it together. I can't wait to talk to you in person, and I bet you are looking forward to seeing Petunia's pictures too! I will let you keep some copies of the photos and I won't even charge you for them. We are too good of friends now for that. Just please don't sell them or if you do, I hope you will give me half of the money you get for them. Or we could put it towards the rent? There are many possibilities. I anxiously wait for your returning words.
In all Jesusness,
What happened to you, Gary??